When I woke up this morning it had rained. I love the rain. I love when the sky is heavy and pregnant with storm clouds. I love the smell that the air gets, so full of water that its ready to burst. When there's that soft, off-in-the-distance rumble of thunder and you know its going to rain. Lately, my life's been like that. Full of storm clouds off on the horizon. I, however, have been forgetting just how much I love that. Adversity; that's what I'm talking about here.
Who wants to go through life where everything is practically perfect in every way? No one. We may hate the climb up the mountain, but when we look back from the summitt and see just how far we've gone, seen the rocky ledges we traversed and the obstacles overcame... there is a satisfaction that sets in. Just knowing that you did it.
Today, with its overcast sky and raindrops, reminded me of that. Reminded me just how much I need adversity in my life. I've never been good when things are easy. I'll admit it, I procrastinate like a gold-medalist in the 100 yard Putting-Things-Off event. However, when there is conflict, chaos, disorder, when there are a million and one things bearing down that have to be done by the next day... I shine. I've always been good and making order out of chaos. I imagine it is one of the reasons I have exceled in the military, that and the fact that I have the ability to make quick decisions.
As I sit here today, typing this, I realize that I need to keep challenges in my life. I need to have adversity, I need to strive against something, so that I can stay sharp, stay strong and excel. The title today, silver linings hints at what I've always seen in those storm clouds. I know that they won't last forever. That soon there will be a change in the wind, maybe a nice lake-effect and blue skies will come rolling back in with the sun. That's my silver lining and it always has been, that nothing bad lasts, that there is and will always be change. So let a few rain drops fall... I'm good with that.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The finish line of one and the beginning of another...
Today marked the end of the week for me. Tomorrow is Veteran's Day, so we have off. It also marks the 236th Birthday for the Marine Corps. Ooh-Rah, fellow Devil Dogs. It also marks the end of a week of significant accomplishments for me. On Wednesday morning, I passed my weigh-in, well more like got by on the skin of my teeth, but I passed. Today, which was the PRT, I was able to score an overall excellent, which now allows me to be a fitness instructor at my command. I find I do better when I teach things like this, it gives me that reason to HAVE to work out.
So, suffice it to say, my life has taken an upward turn. The last six months were Hell. I'll admit that to anyone. I'm not pointing fingers here, because I know it was Hell for her too. However, its brought about the realization that we both made mistakes. Mistakes I think we've both learned from and hopefully will recognize and won't make again in future relationships. The last few weeks have been a turning point in my life. This part of my blog was all about moving on, reinventing myself and strive towards my ultimate goal, which has always been a solid relationship.
I can honestly say, that I can breath again. For those six months it was like I was drowning. But over time, I've been able to come to grips with the truth and accept it. So, here I am... starting over from scratch. I think, perhaps, I read to many romantic and chivalrous novels as a child, because I have this idea of a relationship. Of a woman who doesn't need me, but wants me. Who isn't inferior to me, or needs me to save her, but is my equal in every way intelligence, emotions, wit. Someone who doesn't want to settle for the same old, tired the wife stays at home and the husband goes to work relationship, but rather is my partner. I'm looking for the Bonnie to my Clyde. That's right, I want a woman who will rob banks with me, who will take on the world right along side me.
Some psychologists believe that every man is looking for a mate that fits his template of a woman; his mother. I can agree with that. The qualities I am looking for in a woman are the ones I saw in my mother. Smart, funny, intelligent, strong, courageous and unique. I don't want a woman who isn't her own person. Maybe I've met her, or maybe I haven't... I don't know. As "they" say, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but I can tell you this, there's one that I've noticed... and maybe if I play my cards right, maybe if I am calm, patient and myself... something wonderful will happen. Then again, I could blow it completely.
One finish line has been crossed, but there's several more races to be run. I'm going to quit worrying about the finish lines, and enjoy the scenery that I am running through, hopefully that will keep me entertained until I reach my goals.
So, suffice it to say, my life has taken an upward turn. The last six months were Hell. I'll admit that to anyone. I'm not pointing fingers here, because I know it was Hell for her too. However, its brought about the realization that we both made mistakes. Mistakes I think we've both learned from and hopefully will recognize and won't make again in future relationships. The last few weeks have been a turning point in my life. This part of my blog was all about moving on, reinventing myself and strive towards my ultimate goal, which has always been a solid relationship.
I can honestly say, that I can breath again. For those six months it was like I was drowning. But over time, I've been able to come to grips with the truth and accept it. So, here I am... starting over from scratch. I think, perhaps, I read to many romantic and chivalrous novels as a child, because I have this idea of a relationship. Of a woman who doesn't need me, but wants me. Who isn't inferior to me, or needs me to save her, but is my equal in every way intelligence, emotions, wit. Someone who doesn't want to settle for the same old, tired the wife stays at home and the husband goes to work relationship, but rather is my partner. I'm looking for the Bonnie to my Clyde. That's right, I want a woman who will rob banks with me, who will take on the world right along side me.
Some psychologists believe that every man is looking for a mate that fits his template of a woman; his mother. I can agree with that. The qualities I am looking for in a woman are the ones I saw in my mother. Smart, funny, intelligent, strong, courageous and unique. I don't want a woman who isn't her own person. Maybe I've met her, or maybe I haven't... I don't know. As "they" say, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but I can tell you this, there's one that I've noticed... and maybe if I play my cards right, maybe if I am calm, patient and myself... something wonderful will happen. Then again, I could blow it completely.
One finish line has been crossed, but there's several more races to be run. I'm going to quit worrying about the finish lines, and enjoy the scenery that I am running through, hopefully that will keep me entertained until I reach my goals.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
At bat, staring the pitcher down for strike two...
Here it is. I'm at bat. After the first strike, I called a time out. Went back to the batting cage and took several practice swings. Now, the pressure is on. I'm standing there and its just me and him, one on one. He's staring me down with the cold, calculating look that says all he wants to do is get two more strikes and watch me walk off the field defeated.
That's how I feel right now. There is a lump in my throat so big I almost can't breath. My skin is crawling from the hot rush of blood beneath it, and my fight-or-flight mechanism is kicking into high gear. Tomorrow is my weigh-in. I just got a courtesy check... and things are not looking good. I've got about 2 inches to get rid of to make the cut. However, I still have some things to try, things that have worked in the past. Its also middle of the day after I've been sitting around working all day. Maybe, just maybe, things will come out and I'll make it.
All I need is tiny piece of that ball. Just a nick of the bat to the skin that'll send it off this side of the foul line. I don't care if its a bunt, a line-drive, what have you. All I have to do is get a piece of it and I can make it to base. He raises an eyebrow at me, questioningly. Yeah, fuck you too buddy. This may be strike two we're looking at... but there's a whole lot time to catch the next one as well.
That's how I feel right now. There is a lump in my throat so big I almost can't breath. My skin is crawling from the hot rush of blood beneath it, and my fight-or-flight mechanism is kicking into high gear. Tomorrow is my weigh-in. I just got a courtesy check... and things are not looking good. I've got about 2 inches to get rid of to make the cut. However, I still have some things to try, things that have worked in the past. Its also middle of the day after I've been sitting around working all day. Maybe, just maybe, things will come out and I'll make it.
All I need is tiny piece of that ball. Just a nick of the bat to the skin that'll send it off this side of the foul line. I don't care if its a bunt, a line-drive, what have you. All I have to do is get a piece of it and I can make it to base. He raises an eyebrow at me, questioningly. Yeah, fuck you too buddy. This may be strike two we're looking at... but there's a whole lot time to catch the next one as well.
Monday, November 7, 2011
The only thing we have to fear is...
Immortal words spoken by Franklin D. Roosevelt. I'm pretty sure you've all heard them at least once in your life, probably while sitting in a Jr. High or High School history or government class. I am noticing that they are true words. We live our lives in fear. Fear of what might happen tomorrow, fear of what might happen next year, heck, fear of what might happen in the next few minutes. I'm no different. I fear things just like the rest of the 7 billion people on this planet.
Right now, my biggest fear is this weigh-in on Wednesday. I think it sucks that my job and the last 16 years of my career are being dangled over my head, but I understand why. I understand that I am not where I should be and that I need to get there. Fear can be a powerful motivator when applied correctly. There are other things that I fear. I fear what the rest of my life is going to be like now that the relationship I worked for 7 years to build is gone. Every time I find myself attracted to someone new, I fear what they are thinking of me. Are they judging me? Will they hear my story and laugh and walk away? Or worse yet, not even listen.
Maybe its part of our Fight-or-Flight system. I find, as I am growing older, that I have changed when it comes to fear. It used to stop me dead in my tracks. I would feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi on a dark, snowy highway. Everybody knows what I'm talking about, even if they won't admit it. You come face to face with what you are fearing, and there is a point where you have to make a decision. Do I press forward, or do I go backwards. Do I move to safety, or do I risk getting splattered across the grill. Lately, I have been able to see that point approaching with a little bit of clarity. I can see that I will have to make that decision soon. Whether its in my profession, my daily life, or talking to a beautiful woman. I'm also finding, that more and more, I want to press forward, I want to take a chance. I am sick of living my life in fear of what might happen, to the point that it passes me by.
So, here is my challenge to you. Next time you find yourself in that situation where you are facing your fear. Have courage. Step forward and take a chance... you never know what might happen to your life if you do.
Right now, my biggest fear is this weigh-in on Wednesday. I think it sucks that my job and the last 16 years of my career are being dangled over my head, but I understand why. I understand that I am not where I should be and that I need to get there. Fear can be a powerful motivator when applied correctly. There are other things that I fear. I fear what the rest of my life is going to be like now that the relationship I worked for 7 years to build is gone. Every time I find myself attracted to someone new, I fear what they are thinking of me. Are they judging me? Will they hear my story and laugh and walk away? Or worse yet, not even listen.
Maybe its part of our Fight-or-Flight system. I find, as I am growing older, that I have changed when it comes to fear. It used to stop me dead in my tracks. I would feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi on a dark, snowy highway. Everybody knows what I'm talking about, even if they won't admit it. You come face to face with what you are fearing, and there is a point where you have to make a decision. Do I press forward, or do I go backwards. Do I move to safety, or do I risk getting splattered across the grill. Lately, I have been able to see that point approaching with a little bit of clarity. I can see that I will have to make that decision soon. Whether its in my profession, my daily life, or talking to a beautiful woman. I'm also finding, that more and more, I want to press forward, I want to take a chance. I am sick of living my life in fear of what might happen, to the point that it passes me by.
So, here is my challenge to you. Next time you find yourself in that situation where you are facing your fear. Have courage. Step forward and take a chance... you never know what might happen to your life if you do.
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