So, I've been thinking. Yeah, yeah, I know how bad of a thing that is to do, but really, I just can't help myself. That would be like asking a fish to stop swimming, a mother to stop worrying or a politician to stop lying... its just not going to happen. So, you ask, what have you been thinking? I thought you'd never ask!
I need to not settle for what's available. Maybe my problem is that I give on certain criteria when it comes to a person I would like to be involved with. Now, before the women of my past start lifting up stones to throw at me, I'm not saying any of you are the subject of this post. I am talking about the future Mrs. Sayers; Mrs. Right.
What I am trying to say, is there are some criteria that I would like in a mate. So, what I have decided to do, is list these criteria and keep them handy, especially for dates. Then at the most inopportune time, whip them out and ask. I can just see it, sitting at a quiet table, candle lit dinner, glasses of wine, soft music in the background, and then out comes the questions... "So, Christmas trees... real or artificial?" ~grins~
What are these criteria that I am thinking of... I'm not too awfully picking. Here is what I am looking at:
1. Christmas Tree - Real
2. Career - Something, a desire, a drive to do something in life other than pop out babies and clean the house (which, just for the record, I do rugs, windows and dishes)
3. Travel - Must be willing to obtain a passport, save for vacations and travel to distant lands on my arm.
4. Do not discredit my Geekness - Sorry ladies, I'm not your average guy. I would rather gather around a table with friends and play Dungeons & Dragons rather than sit on the couch and wonder who will be going to the Superbowl.
5. Adventurous - This encompasses a lot of things. Must be willing to at least try, canoeing, kayaking, hiking, camping, hunting, etc. Must be willing to try new things, experiences and food.
6. Working Out - I'm going to keep taking care of myself, I want a woman who is willing to do the same and possibly do that with me.
7. Literate - Wait, more than literate, well read. The woman I am looking for must read, not just magazines or news articles, full fledged books.
8. Enjoy Movies/TV Shows - I love going to the movies, I'm a snob. I count the seats, to figure out the dead center of the theater, and that is where I want to sit. I want a woman who will look forward to going to the movies with me, talk about the plot, the casting, the story. Who will sit and watch an entire season of a favorite TV show.
9. Open-Minded - Ladies, I am not one of those guys who clams up, not one of those guys who will not talk about feelings, relationships or sex. That's right, I said sex. I prefer a woman who can talk openly about what she wants.
10. Sarcasm - Last but not least. Ladies, I'm sarcastic. It comes out even worse when I am tired; I once made a nurse in the emergency room cry and leave because of it. I wasn't trying, I just wasn't thinking. Call me on my bullshit when I'm an ass, but I need you to be able it the rest of the time.
So, there it is. My criteria. I don't think its too unrealistic. What do you think?
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sunday mornin' comin' down...
That song was written by Kris Kristofferson, originally recorded by Ray Stevens in 1969, and the following year recorded by not just Kristofferson, but also his good friend Johnny Cash. If you've never heard it, let me give you the run down. The singer, after having spent a Saturday night drinking, smoking and playing guitar, has a beer for breakfast (just a note, this where the term 'hair of the dog' comes from. Referring to the old myth that you can prevent something by taking some of the hair of the dog that bit you.), cleaning himself up and heading out into the city. Out there, on the silent Sunday sidewalk, he laments how lonely it feels.
There are times that I wish I wouldn't think so much. However, the fact of the matter is, I do. I think all the time. I think about everything. I see so many possibilities in life... and my mind works through all of them. I don't know if this is something you all do... or if its just a part of my nature. I know in my younger days, I thought a lot. Perhaps its from being an only child, but I was a quiet boy. I kept to myself. I watched people and wondered. All through my life I have done this. I'm not saying I don't act, because if you've seen the scars that cover this body, you'll know that I've done my share of living and still will. However, that being said... I still mull over so many things.
So, right now... what's on my mind? What is keeping the wheels turning in my brain? There are a lot of things going on in there. Aside from all of the things that I have to do for work, the creative ideas that are constantly swimming about begging to be put down on paper... there's the future. I probably think about that the most lately. Right now, there are so many possibilities. So many directions that I could go. It doesn't help that I have one year left here in Biloxi, and after that the next three are at the mercy of the U.S. Navy. Yes, I know. I made the decision to enlist. I am good with that. However, I think about where I will go and what I will do. I think about relationships. I can say that there is someone who has sparked my interests greatly. Question is... what will come of that attraction? Even if she is attracted to me, how can I ask her to be in a long distance relationship or even wait, that's pretty selfish of me. Then here I go again... I'm already over-thinking all of this.
I think I will digress. I think I will choose not to think. That, I think, is the best way to think about this. Did you notice the "thinks" laden in those sentences... I wonder if it will work. What do you think?
There are times that I wish I wouldn't think so much. However, the fact of the matter is, I do. I think all the time. I think about everything. I see so many possibilities in life... and my mind works through all of them. I don't know if this is something you all do... or if its just a part of my nature. I know in my younger days, I thought a lot. Perhaps its from being an only child, but I was a quiet boy. I kept to myself. I watched people and wondered. All through my life I have done this. I'm not saying I don't act, because if you've seen the scars that cover this body, you'll know that I've done my share of living and still will. However, that being said... I still mull over so many things.
So, right now... what's on my mind? What is keeping the wheels turning in my brain? There are a lot of things going on in there. Aside from all of the things that I have to do for work, the creative ideas that are constantly swimming about begging to be put down on paper... there's the future. I probably think about that the most lately. Right now, there are so many possibilities. So many directions that I could go. It doesn't help that I have one year left here in Biloxi, and after that the next three are at the mercy of the U.S. Navy. Yes, I know. I made the decision to enlist. I am good with that. However, I think about where I will go and what I will do. I think about relationships. I can say that there is someone who has sparked my interests greatly. Question is... what will come of that attraction? Even if she is attracted to me, how can I ask her to be in a long distance relationship or even wait, that's pretty selfish of me. Then here I go again... I'm already over-thinking all of this.
I think I will digress. I think I will choose not to think. That, I think, is the best way to think about this. Did you notice the "thinks" laden in those sentences... I wonder if it will work. What do you think?
Monday, November 14, 2011
Silver linings...
When I woke up this morning it had rained. I love the rain. I love when the sky is heavy and pregnant with storm clouds. I love the smell that the air gets, so full of water that its ready to burst. When there's that soft, off-in-the-distance rumble of thunder and you know its going to rain. Lately, my life's been like that. Full of storm clouds off on the horizon. I, however, have been forgetting just how much I love that. Adversity; that's what I'm talking about here.
Who wants to go through life where everything is practically perfect in every way? No one. We may hate the climb up the mountain, but when we look back from the summitt and see just how far we've gone, seen the rocky ledges we traversed and the obstacles overcame... there is a satisfaction that sets in. Just knowing that you did it.
Today, with its overcast sky and raindrops, reminded me of that. Reminded me just how much I need adversity in my life. I've never been good when things are easy. I'll admit it, I procrastinate like a gold-medalist in the 100 yard Putting-Things-Off event. However, when there is conflict, chaos, disorder, when there are a million and one things bearing down that have to be done by the next day... I shine. I've always been good and making order out of chaos. I imagine it is one of the reasons I have exceled in the military, that and the fact that I have the ability to make quick decisions.
As I sit here today, typing this, I realize that I need to keep challenges in my life. I need to have adversity, I need to strive against something, so that I can stay sharp, stay strong and excel. The title today, silver linings hints at what I've always seen in those storm clouds. I know that they won't last forever. That soon there will be a change in the wind, maybe a nice lake-effect and blue skies will come rolling back in with the sun. That's my silver lining and it always has been, that nothing bad lasts, that there is and will always be change. So let a few rain drops fall... I'm good with that.
Who wants to go through life where everything is practically perfect in every way? No one. We may hate the climb up the mountain, but when we look back from the summitt and see just how far we've gone, seen the rocky ledges we traversed and the obstacles overcame... there is a satisfaction that sets in. Just knowing that you did it.
Today, with its overcast sky and raindrops, reminded me of that. Reminded me just how much I need adversity in my life. I've never been good when things are easy. I'll admit it, I procrastinate like a gold-medalist in the 100 yard Putting-Things-Off event. However, when there is conflict, chaos, disorder, when there are a million and one things bearing down that have to be done by the next day... I shine. I've always been good and making order out of chaos. I imagine it is one of the reasons I have exceled in the military, that and the fact that I have the ability to make quick decisions.
As I sit here today, typing this, I realize that I need to keep challenges in my life. I need to have adversity, I need to strive against something, so that I can stay sharp, stay strong and excel. The title today, silver linings hints at what I've always seen in those storm clouds. I know that they won't last forever. That soon there will be a change in the wind, maybe a nice lake-effect and blue skies will come rolling back in with the sun. That's my silver lining and it always has been, that nothing bad lasts, that there is and will always be change. So let a few rain drops fall... I'm good with that.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The finish line of one and the beginning of another...
Today marked the end of the week for me. Tomorrow is Veteran's Day, so we have off. It also marks the 236th Birthday for the Marine Corps. Ooh-Rah, fellow Devil Dogs. It also marks the end of a week of significant accomplishments for me. On Wednesday morning, I passed my weigh-in, well more like got by on the skin of my teeth, but I passed. Today, which was the PRT, I was able to score an overall excellent, which now allows me to be a fitness instructor at my command. I find I do better when I teach things like this, it gives me that reason to HAVE to work out.
So, suffice it to say, my life has taken an upward turn. The last six months were Hell. I'll admit that to anyone. I'm not pointing fingers here, because I know it was Hell for her too. However, its brought about the realization that we both made mistakes. Mistakes I think we've both learned from and hopefully will recognize and won't make again in future relationships. The last few weeks have been a turning point in my life. This part of my blog was all about moving on, reinventing myself and strive towards my ultimate goal, which has always been a solid relationship.
I can honestly say, that I can breath again. For those six months it was like I was drowning. But over time, I've been able to come to grips with the truth and accept it. So, here I am... starting over from scratch. I think, perhaps, I read to many romantic and chivalrous novels as a child, because I have this idea of a relationship. Of a woman who doesn't need me, but wants me. Who isn't inferior to me, or needs me to save her, but is my equal in every way intelligence, emotions, wit. Someone who doesn't want to settle for the same old, tired the wife stays at home and the husband goes to work relationship, but rather is my partner. I'm looking for the Bonnie to my Clyde. That's right, I want a woman who will rob banks with me, who will take on the world right along side me.
Some psychologists believe that every man is looking for a mate that fits his template of a woman; his mother. I can agree with that. The qualities I am looking for in a woman are the ones I saw in my mother. Smart, funny, intelligent, strong, courageous and unique. I don't want a woman who isn't her own person. Maybe I've met her, or maybe I haven't... I don't know. As "they" say, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but I can tell you this, there's one that I've noticed... and maybe if I play my cards right, maybe if I am calm, patient and myself... something wonderful will happen. Then again, I could blow it completely.
One finish line has been crossed, but there's several more races to be run. I'm going to quit worrying about the finish lines, and enjoy the scenery that I am running through, hopefully that will keep me entertained until I reach my goals.
So, suffice it to say, my life has taken an upward turn. The last six months were Hell. I'll admit that to anyone. I'm not pointing fingers here, because I know it was Hell for her too. However, its brought about the realization that we both made mistakes. Mistakes I think we've both learned from and hopefully will recognize and won't make again in future relationships. The last few weeks have been a turning point in my life. This part of my blog was all about moving on, reinventing myself and strive towards my ultimate goal, which has always been a solid relationship.
I can honestly say, that I can breath again. For those six months it was like I was drowning. But over time, I've been able to come to grips with the truth and accept it. So, here I am... starting over from scratch. I think, perhaps, I read to many romantic and chivalrous novels as a child, because I have this idea of a relationship. Of a woman who doesn't need me, but wants me. Who isn't inferior to me, or needs me to save her, but is my equal in every way intelligence, emotions, wit. Someone who doesn't want to settle for the same old, tired the wife stays at home and the husband goes to work relationship, but rather is my partner. I'm looking for the Bonnie to my Clyde. That's right, I want a woman who will rob banks with me, who will take on the world right along side me.
Some psychologists believe that every man is looking for a mate that fits his template of a woman; his mother. I can agree with that. The qualities I am looking for in a woman are the ones I saw in my mother. Smart, funny, intelligent, strong, courageous and unique. I don't want a woman who isn't her own person. Maybe I've met her, or maybe I haven't... I don't know. As "they" say, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but I can tell you this, there's one that I've noticed... and maybe if I play my cards right, maybe if I am calm, patient and myself... something wonderful will happen. Then again, I could blow it completely.
One finish line has been crossed, but there's several more races to be run. I'm going to quit worrying about the finish lines, and enjoy the scenery that I am running through, hopefully that will keep me entertained until I reach my goals.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
At bat, staring the pitcher down for strike two...
Here it is. I'm at bat. After the first strike, I called a time out. Went back to the batting cage and took several practice swings. Now, the pressure is on. I'm standing there and its just me and him, one on one. He's staring me down with the cold, calculating look that says all he wants to do is get two more strikes and watch me walk off the field defeated.
That's how I feel right now. There is a lump in my throat so big I almost can't breath. My skin is crawling from the hot rush of blood beneath it, and my fight-or-flight mechanism is kicking into high gear. Tomorrow is my weigh-in. I just got a courtesy check... and things are not looking good. I've got about 2 inches to get rid of to make the cut. However, I still have some things to try, things that have worked in the past. Its also middle of the day after I've been sitting around working all day. Maybe, just maybe, things will come out and I'll make it.
All I need is tiny piece of that ball. Just a nick of the bat to the skin that'll send it off this side of the foul line. I don't care if its a bunt, a line-drive, what have you. All I have to do is get a piece of it and I can make it to base. He raises an eyebrow at me, questioningly. Yeah, fuck you too buddy. This may be strike two we're looking at... but there's a whole lot time to catch the next one as well.
That's how I feel right now. There is a lump in my throat so big I almost can't breath. My skin is crawling from the hot rush of blood beneath it, and my fight-or-flight mechanism is kicking into high gear. Tomorrow is my weigh-in. I just got a courtesy check... and things are not looking good. I've got about 2 inches to get rid of to make the cut. However, I still have some things to try, things that have worked in the past. Its also middle of the day after I've been sitting around working all day. Maybe, just maybe, things will come out and I'll make it.
All I need is tiny piece of that ball. Just a nick of the bat to the skin that'll send it off this side of the foul line. I don't care if its a bunt, a line-drive, what have you. All I have to do is get a piece of it and I can make it to base. He raises an eyebrow at me, questioningly. Yeah, fuck you too buddy. This may be strike two we're looking at... but there's a whole lot time to catch the next one as well.
Monday, November 7, 2011
The only thing we have to fear is...
Immortal words spoken by Franklin D. Roosevelt. I'm pretty sure you've all heard them at least once in your life, probably while sitting in a Jr. High or High School history or government class. I am noticing that they are true words. We live our lives in fear. Fear of what might happen tomorrow, fear of what might happen next year, heck, fear of what might happen in the next few minutes. I'm no different. I fear things just like the rest of the 7 billion people on this planet.
Right now, my biggest fear is this weigh-in on Wednesday. I think it sucks that my job and the last 16 years of my career are being dangled over my head, but I understand why. I understand that I am not where I should be and that I need to get there. Fear can be a powerful motivator when applied correctly. There are other things that I fear. I fear what the rest of my life is going to be like now that the relationship I worked for 7 years to build is gone. Every time I find myself attracted to someone new, I fear what they are thinking of me. Are they judging me? Will they hear my story and laugh and walk away? Or worse yet, not even listen.
Maybe its part of our Fight-or-Flight system. I find, as I am growing older, that I have changed when it comes to fear. It used to stop me dead in my tracks. I would feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi on a dark, snowy highway. Everybody knows what I'm talking about, even if they won't admit it. You come face to face with what you are fearing, and there is a point where you have to make a decision. Do I press forward, or do I go backwards. Do I move to safety, or do I risk getting splattered across the grill. Lately, I have been able to see that point approaching with a little bit of clarity. I can see that I will have to make that decision soon. Whether its in my profession, my daily life, or talking to a beautiful woman. I'm also finding, that more and more, I want to press forward, I want to take a chance. I am sick of living my life in fear of what might happen, to the point that it passes me by.
So, here is my challenge to you. Next time you find yourself in that situation where you are facing your fear. Have courage. Step forward and take a chance... you never know what might happen to your life if you do.
Right now, my biggest fear is this weigh-in on Wednesday. I think it sucks that my job and the last 16 years of my career are being dangled over my head, but I understand why. I understand that I am not where I should be and that I need to get there. Fear can be a powerful motivator when applied correctly. There are other things that I fear. I fear what the rest of my life is going to be like now that the relationship I worked for 7 years to build is gone. Every time I find myself attracted to someone new, I fear what they are thinking of me. Are they judging me? Will they hear my story and laugh and walk away? Or worse yet, not even listen.
Maybe its part of our Fight-or-Flight system. I find, as I am growing older, that I have changed when it comes to fear. It used to stop me dead in my tracks. I would feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi on a dark, snowy highway. Everybody knows what I'm talking about, even if they won't admit it. You come face to face with what you are fearing, and there is a point where you have to make a decision. Do I press forward, or do I go backwards. Do I move to safety, or do I risk getting splattered across the grill. Lately, I have been able to see that point approaching with a little bit of clarity. I can see that I will have to make that decision soon. Whether its in my profession, my daily life, or talking to a beautiful woman. I'm also finding, that more and more, I want to press forward, I want to take a chance. I am sick of living my life in fear of what might happen, to the point that it passes me by.
So, here is my challenge to you. Next time you find yourself in that situation where you are facing your fear. Have courage. Step forward and take a chance... you never know what might happen to your life if you do.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Breaking points
I think part of my problem might have been that I was at a plateau, a really long, boring, barren one. Nothing that I was doing was helping my weight, my blood pressure or anything else. I tried doing Carido, Weight lifting, etc. My doctor upped my medication for my hypertension, then dragged it down, then brought it up again. Even my blood pressure was plateaued, right around 145/100... which isn't good.
I'm not sure what happened in the last 2 1/2 weeks, but Friday I got some good news. Perhaps it was Stacy's class, perhaps its the B12 I've been injecting, perhaps its changing my eating habits or working out more... I don't know. What I do know is that on Friday I found out that I'd gone from a 44 inch waist to a 41.5 inch waist. Which is good, its not what I need, I need to lose more, but its a step in the right direction.
I kind of feel like I'm on an episode of House. The one where they treat a problem with a ton of medications and when the patient starts improving, House says, "Now start taking each one away, one by one to figure out which is helping him." I don't want to do that just yet, but it may have to be done.
November 9th is my official BCA (Body Composition Assessment) and November 10th is the PRT (Physical Readiness Test). I should be good on the PRT, though I would like to try for an excellent. The BCA is what I am worrying about. Failing this one, is the 2nd failure I will have on my record in 4 years... which means, just like baseball, three strikes... you're out.
I really want to do all of this for my health. So that I feel better, so that I look better. Its hard, however, not to be motivated by the fact that I could lose my job. The worst part of this, is the Navy. For decades there has been zero emphasis on fitness and nutrition. Eating healthy on a ship, even today is a Herculean feat. That last time I was on a ship, the only way I could eat healthy was to buy a freezer, put it in my shop and pack it with healthy food.
So, way back in 2005/2006, for some reason, the Navy got on the "Culture of Fitness" wagon. They revamped their instructions and decided that if you had more than 3 PFA failures in 4 years, you would be ADSEPed (Administratively Separated) out of the Navy. They made a big deal of instituting a culture of fitness into the Navy and that everyone should work out at least 3 times per week during working hours. I have yet to be at a command that truly believes or has put forth this "Culture of Fitness".
Most ideas of fitness are making sure their people get afford the opportunity to PT. There's no real training on how to do that properly. There is no instruction on how to change your eating habits. Its still the Navy, expecting you to do what they tell you to with zero help. If I could do one thing, one thing to change the Navy before I retire, it would be to get the upper chain of command of the Navy to understand that just because you put something down on paper in an instruction, doesn't mean its going to change anything. They need to back it up with action.
I'm not sure what happened in the last 2 1/2 weeks, but Friday I got some good news. Perhaps it was Stacy's class, perhaps its the B12 I've been injecting, perhaps its changing my eating habits or working out more... I don't know. What I do know is that on Friday I found out that I'd gone from a 44 inch waist to a 41.5 inch waist. Which is good, its not what I need, I need to lose more, but its a step in the right direction.
I kind of feel like I'm on an episode of House. The one where they treat a problem with a ton of medications and when the patient starts improving, House says, "Now start taking each one away, one by one to figure out which is helping him." I don't want to do that just yet, but it may have to be done.
November 9th is my official BCA (Body Composition Assessment) and November 10th is the PRT (Physical Readiness Test). I should be good on the PRT, though I would like to try for an excellent. The BCA is what I am worrying about. Failing this one, is the 2nd failure I will have on my record in 4 years... which means, just like baseball, three strikes... you're out.
I really want to do all of this for my health. So that I feel better, so that I look better. Its hard, however, not to be motivated by the fact that I could lose my job. The worst part of this, is the Navy. For decades there has been zero emphasis on fitness and nutrition. Eating healthy on a ship, even today is a Herculean feat. That last time I was on a ship, the only way I could eat healthy was to buy a freezer, put it in my shop and pack it with healthy food.
So, way back in 2005/2006, for some reason, the Navy got on the "Culture of Fitness" wagon. They revamped their instructions and decided that if you had more than 3 PFA failures in 4 years, you would be ADSEPed (Administratively Separated) out of the Navy. They made a big deal of instituting a culture of fitness into the Navy and that everyone should work out at least 3 times per week during working hours. I have yet to be at a command that truly believes or has put forth this "Culture of Fitness".
Most ideas of fitness are making sure their people get afford the opportunity to PT. There's no real training on how to do that properly. There is no instruction on how to change your eating habits. Its still the Navy, expecting you to do what they tell you to with zero help. If I could do one thing, one thing to change the Navy before I retire, it would be to get the upper chain of command of the Navy to understand that just because you put something down on paper in an instruction, doesn't mean its going to change anything. They need to back it up with action.
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