Certain Criteria...

     So, I've been thinking.  Yeah, yeah, I know how bad of a thing that is to do, but really, I just can't help myself.  That would be like asking a fish to stop swimming, a mother to stop worrying or a politician to stop lying... its just not going to happen.  So, you ask, what have you been thinking?  I thought you'd never ask!

     I need to not settle for what's available.  Maybe my problem is that I give on certain criteria when it comes to a person I would like to be involved with.  Now, before the women of my past start lifting up stones to throw at me, I'm not saying any of you are the subject of this post.  I am talking about the future Mrs. Sayers; Mrs. Right.

     What I am trying to say, is there are some criteria that I would like in a mate.  So, what I have decided to do, is list these criteria and keep them handy, especially for dates.  Then at the most inopportune time, whip them out and ask.  I can just see it, sitting at a quiet table, candle lit dinner, glasses of wine, soft music in the background, and then out comes the questions... "So, Christmas trees... real or artificial?"  ~grins~

     What are these criteria that I am thinking of... I'm not too awfully picking.  Here is what I am looking at:

1. Christmas Tree - Real
2. Career - Something, a desire, a drive to do something in life other than pop out babies and clean the house (which, just for the record, I do rugs, windows and dishes)
3. Travel - Must be willing to obtain a passport, save for vacations and travel to distant lands on my arm.
4. Do not discredit my Geekness - Sorry ladies, I'm not your average guy.  I would rather gather around a table with friends and play Dungeons & Dragons rather than sit on the couch and wonder who will be going to the Superbowl.
5. Adventurous - This encompasses a lot of things.  Must be willing to at least try, canoeing, kayaking, hiking, camping, hunting, etc.  Must be willing to try new things, experiences and food.
6. Working Out - I'm going to keep taking care of myself, I want a woman who is willing to do the same and possibly do that with me.
7. Literate - Wait, more than literate, well read.  The woman I am looking for must read, not just magazines or news articles, full fledged books.
8. Enjoy Movies/TV Shows - I love going to the movies, I'm a snob.  I count the seats, to figure out the dead center of the theater, and that is where I want to sit.  I want a woman who will look forward to going to the movies with me, talk about the plot, the casting, the story.  Who will sit and watch an entire season of a favorite TV show.
9. Open-Minded - Ladies, I am not one of those guys who clams up, not one of those guys who will not talk about feelings, relationships or sex.  That's right, I said sex.  I prefer a woman who can talk openly about what she wants.
10. Sarcasm - Last but not least. Ladies, I'm sarcastic.  It comes out even worse when I am tired; I once made a nurse in the emergency room cry and leave because of it.  I wasn't trying, I just wasn't thinking.  Call me on my bullshit when I'm an ass, but I need you to be able it the rest of the time.

So, there it is.  My criteria.  I don't think its too unrealistic.  What do you think?

Sunday mornin' comin' down...

     That song was written by Kris Kristofferson, originally recorded by Ray Stevens in 1969, and the following year recorded by not just Kristofferson, but also his good friend Johnny Cash.  If you've never heard it, let me give you the run down.  The singer, after having spent a Saturday night drinking, smoking and playing guitar, has a beer for breakfast (just a note, this where the term 'hair of the dog' comes from. Referring to the old myth that you can prevent something by taking some of the hair of the dog that bit you.), cleaning himself up and heading out into the city.  Out there, on the silent Sunday sidewalk, he laments how lonely it feels.

     There are times that I wish I wouldn't think so much.  However, the fact of the matter is, I do.  I think all the time.  I think about everything.  I see so many possibilities in life... and my mind works through all of them.  I don't know if this is something you all do... or if its just a part of my nature.  I know in my younger days, I thought a lot.  Perhaps its from being an only child, but I was a quiet boy.  I kept to myself.  I watched people and wondered.  All through my life I have done this.  I'm not saying I don't act, because if you've seen the scars that cover this body, you'll know that I've done my share of living and still will.  However, that being said... I still mull over so many things.

     So, right now... what's on my mind?  What is keeping the wheels turning in my brain?  There are a lot of things going on in there.  Aside from all of the things that I have to do for work, the creative ideas that are constantly swimming about begging to be put down on paper... there's the future.  I probably think about that the most lately.  Right now, there are so many possibilities.  So many directions that I could go.  It doesn't help that I have one year left here in Biloxi, and after that the next three are at the mercy of the U.S. Navy.  Yes, I know.  I made the decision to enlist.  I am good with that.  However, I think about where I will go and what I will do.  I think about relationships.  I can say that there is someone who has sparked my interests greatly.  Question is... what will come of that attraction?  Even if she is attracted to me, how can I ask her to be in a long distance relationship or even wait, that's pretty selfish of me.  Then here I go again... I'm already over-thinking all of this.

     I think I will digress.  I think I will choose not to think.  That, I think, is the best way to think about this.  Did you notice the "thinks" laden in those sentences... I wonder if it will work.  What do you think?

Silver linings...

     When I woke up this morning it had rained.  I love the rain.  I love when the sky is heavy and pregnant with storm clouds.  I love the smell that the air gets, so full of water that its ready to burst.  When there's that soft, off-in-the-distance rumble of thunder and you know its going to rain.  Lately, my life's been like that.  Full of storm clouds off on the horizon.  I, however, have been forgetting just how much I love that.  Adversity; that's what I'm talking about here.

     Who wants to go through life where everything is practically perfect in every way? No one.  We may hate the climb up the mountain, but when we look back from the summitt and see just how far we've gone, seen the rocky ledges we traversed and the obstacles overcame... there is a satisfaction that sets in.  Just knowing that you did it.

     Today, with its overcast sky and raindrops, reminded me of that.  Reminded me just how much I need adversity in my life.  I've never been good when things are easy.  I'll admit it, I procrastinate like a gold-medalist in the 100 yard Putting-Things-Off event.  However, when there is conflict, chaos, disorder, when there are a million and one things bearing down that have to be done by the next day... I shine.  I've always been good and making order out of chaos. I imagine it is one of the reasons I have exceled in the military, that and the fact that I have the ability to make quick decisions.

     As I sit here today, typing this, I realize that I need to keep challenges in my life.  I need to have adversity, I need to strive against something, so that I can stay sharp, stay strong and excel.  The title today, silver linings hints at what I've always seen in those storm clouds.  I know that they won't last forever.  That soon there will be a change in the wind, maybe a nice lake-effect and blue skies will come rolling back in with the sun.  That's my silver lining and it always has been, that nothing bad lasts, that there is and will always be change.  So let a few rain drops fall... I'm good with that.

The finish line of one and the beginning of another...

     Today marked the end of the week for me.  Tomorrow is Veteran's Day, so we have off.  It also marks the 236th Birthday for the Marine Corps. Ooh-Rah, fellow Devil Dogs.  It also marks the end of a week of significant accomplishments for me.  On Wednesday morning, I passed my weigh-in, well more like got by on the skin of my teeth, but I passed.  Today, which was the PRT, I was able to score an overall excellent, which now allows me to be a fitness instructor at my command.  I find I do better when I teach things like this, it gives me that reason to HAVE to work out.

     So, suffice it to say, my life has taken an upward turn.  The last six months were Hell.  I'll admit that to anyone.  I'm not pointing fingers here, because I know it was Hell for her too.  However, its brought about the realization that we both made mistakes. Mistakes I think we've both learned from and hopefully will recognize and won't make again in future relationships.  The last few weeks have been a turning point in my life.  This part of my blog was all about moving on, reinventing myself and strive towards my ultimate goal, which has always been a solid relationship.

     I can honestly say, that I can breath again.  For those six months it was like I was drowning.  But over time, I've been able to come to grips with the truth and accept it.  So, here I am... starting over from scratch.  I think, perhaps, I read to many romantic and chivalrous novels as a child, because I have this idea of a relationship.  Of a woman who doesn't need me, but wants me. Who isn't inferior to me, or needs me to save her, but is my equal in every way intelligence, emotions, wit. Someone who doesn't want to settle for the same old, tired the wife stays at home and the husband goes to work relationship, but rather is my partner.  I'm looking for the Bonnie to my Clyde.  That's right, I want a woman who will rob banks with me, who will take on the world right along side me.

     Some psychologists believe that every man is looking for a mate that fits his template of a woman; his mother.  I can agree with that. The qualities I am looking for in a woman are the ones I saw in my mother. Smart, funny, intelligent, strong, courageous and unique.  I don't want a woman who isn't her own person. Maybe I've met her, or maybe I haven't... I don't know.  As "they" say, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but I can tell you this, there's one that I've noticed... and maybe if I play my cards right, maybe if I am calm, patient and myself... something wonderful will happen.  Then again, I could blow it completely.

     One finish line has been crossed, but there's several more races to be run.  I'm going to quit worrying about the finish lines, and enjoy the scenery that I am running through, hopefully that will keep me entertained until I reach my goals.

At bat, staring the pitcher down for strike two...

     Here it is. I'm at bat. After the first strike, I called a time out. Went back to the batting cage and took several practice swings.  Now, the pressure is on.  I'm standing there and its just me and him, one on one.  He's staring me down with the cold, calculating look that says all he wants to do is get two more strikes and watch me walk off the field defeated.

     That's how I feel right now.  There is a lump in my throat so big I almost can't breath.  My skin is crawling from the hot rush of blood beneath it, and my fight-or-flight mechanism is kicking into high gear.  Tomorrow is my weigh-in.  I just got a courtesy check... and things are not looking good.  I've got about 2 inches to get rid of to make the cut.  However, I still have some things to try, things that have worked in the past.  Its also middle of the day after I've been sitting around working all day.  Maybe, just maybe, things will come out and I'll make it.

     All I need is tiny piece of that ball. Just a nick of the bat to the skin that'll send it off this side of the foul line.  I don't care if its a bunt, a line-drive, what have you.  All I have to do is get a piece of it and I can make it to base.  He raises an eyebrow at me, questioningly.  Yeah, fuck you too buddy. This may be strike two we're looking at... but there's a whole lot time to catch the next one as well.

The only thing we have to fear is...

     Immortal words spoken by Franklin D. Roosevelt.  I'm pretty sure you've all heard them at least once in your life, probably while sitting in a Jr. High or High School history or government class.  I am noticing that they are true words.  We live our lives in fear.  Fear of what might happen tomorrow, fear of what might happen next year, heck, fear of what might happen in the next few minutes.  I'm no different.  I fear things just like the rest of the 7 billion people on this planet.

     Right now, my biggest fear is this weigh-in on Wednesday.  I think it sucks that my job and the last 16 years of my career are being dangled over my head, but I understand why.  I understand that I am not where I should be and that I need to get there. Fear can be a powerful motivator when applied correctly.  There are other things that I fear. I fear what the rest of my life is going to be like now that the relationship I worked for 7 years to build is gone.  Every time I find myself attracted to someone new, I fear what they are thinking of me. Are they judging me? Will they hear my story and laugh and walk away? Or worse yet, not even listen.

     Maybe its part of our Fight-or-Flight system.  I find, as I am growing older, that I have changed when it comes to fear.  It used to stop me dead in my tracks. I would feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi on a dark, snowy highway.  Everybody knows what I'm talking about, even if they won't admit it. You come face to face with what you are fearing, and there is a point where you have to make a decision.  Do I press forward, or do I go backwards. Do I move to safety, or do I risk getting splattered across the grill. Lately, I have been able to see that point approaching with a little bit of clarity. I can see that I will have to make that decision soon. Whether its in my profession, my daily life, or talking to a beautiful woman.  I'm also finding, that more and more, I want to press forward, I want to take a chance.  I am sick of living my life in fear of what might happen, to the point that it passes me by.

     So, here is my challenge to you.  Next time you find yourself in that situation where you are facing your fear. Have courage. Step forward and take a chance...  you never know what might happen to your life if you do.

Breaking points

I think part of my problem might have been that I was at a plateau, a really long, boring, barren one.  Nothing that I was doing was helping my weight, my blood pressure or anything else.  I tried doing Carido, Weight lifting, etc. My doctor upped my medication for my hypertension, then dragged it down, then brought it up again.  Even my blood pressure was plateaued, right around 145/100... which isn't good.

I'm not sure what happened in the last 2 1/2 weeks, but Friday I got some good news. Perhaps it was Stacy's class, perhaps its the B12 I've been injecting, perhaps its changing my eating habits or working out more... I don't know.  What I do know is that on Friday I found out that I'd gone from a 44 inch waist to a 41.5 inch waist.  Which is good, its not what I need, I need to lose more, but its a step in the right direction.

I kind of feel like I'm on an episode of House.  The one where they treat a problem with a ton of medications and when the patient starts improving, House says, "Now start taking each one away, one by one to figure out which is helping him."  I don't want to do that just yet, but it may have to be done.

November 9th is my official BCA (Body Composition Assessment) and November 10th is the PRT (Physical Readiness Test).  I should be good on the PRT, though I would like to try for an excellent.  The BCA is what I am worrying about.  Failing this one, is the 2nd failure I will have on my record in 4 years... which means, just like baseball, three strikes... you're out.

I really want to do all of this for my health. So that I feel better, so that I look better.  Its hard, however, not to be motivated by the fact that I could lose my job.  The worst part of this, is the Navy.  For decades there has been zero emphasis on fitness and nutrition.  Eating healthy on a ship, even today is a Herculean feat.  That last time I was on a ship, the only way I could eat healthy was to buy a freezer, put it in my shop and pack it with healthy food.

So, way back in 2005/2006, for some reason, the Navy got on the "Culture of Fitness" wagon.  They revamped their instructions and decided that if you had more than 3 PFA failures in 4 years, you would be ADSEPed (Administratively Separated) out of the Navy.  They made a big deal of instituting a culture of fitness into the Navy and that everyone should work out at least 3 times per week during working hours.  I have yet to be at a command that truly believes or has put forth this "Culture of Fitness".

Most ideas of fitness are making sure their people get afford the opportunity to PT.  There's no real training on how to do that properly. There is no instruction on how to change your eating habits.  Its still the Navy, expecting you to do what they tell you to with zero help.  If I could do one thing, one thing to change the Navy before I retire, it would be to get the upper chain of command of the Navy to understand that just because you put something down on paper in an instruction, doesn't mean its going to change anything.  They need to back it up with action.

The Joys of Silk...

     Part of the class that I am taking deals with nutrition.  A lot of it is very good information, like not eating after seven p.m. unless you have to and then making it leafy green vegetables or something like an apple with a little peanut butter.  I also asked, its ok to drink liquids after 7 p.m., but you shouldn't really be drinking caffine that late.

     It also came with a shopping list.  Some of it, I knew already... fruits, vegetables, chicken, turkey, etc.  One I had already discovered on my own - Mrs. Dash's salt-free spices!  I have three different ones the Lemon Pepper, Italian Medely and the Tomato Basil.  The Instructor, Stacy Dinter, has told us that you should really only be consuming around 2400mg of sodium per day.  Adding these spices to a chicken breast or other meal gives it a lot of flavor without adding to your sodium intake.

    One, that I heard about, the topic of this post, is Silk - Soy Milk.  I have seen and heard about it from other people... and when I saw it on the list, I was really hesitant to try it.  I have tried other soy products before. Yes, several years ago, but... my opinion of them was that they tasted horrible.  However, I am trying to give this my all, so I bought what was on the list: Vanilla Lite Soy Milk and Chocolate Lite Soy Milk.

     The other night, with my dinner of a lemon pepper chicken breast and vegetables, I add 1 cup (yes, exactly one cup as the serving size states on the back of the box.) to a glass for my drink.  I was expecting a nasty, chalky soy taste.  The box states that 1 cup is 90 calories, which isn't too bad.  I sat down with my dinner and began to eat.  First drink of soy milk and I was impressed.  It was very smooth, very much like regular chocolate milk and had zero soy taste or nasty after taste.

     So, what I have learned from this... I recommend Silk ;)

First of 10 Days...

So today I started the first of a 10 day "fat burning" program... because that's what I need to get rid of.  I've been working on weight lifting, which helps build muscles and speed up metabolism.  Last week I started taking Vitamin B12 twice a week.  The last few months have been seriously disheartening, as I haven't seen any results.  Each week we have to get weighed, taped and measured so the Navy can monitor my improvement.  There has been zero improvement.  Even the Command's Fitness Leader, who has seen the work outs I have been doing and what I have been eating, was speechless.  He did this thing where he stood there staring after I asked him a question... I hate that. I wanted to slap him.

Friday, however, I saw something.  Maybe its a glimmer of hope, a sliver lining in the black storm clouds that have been hanging around the last six months... but it was something.  I put on my uniform, buttoned my pants, zipped up the fly and adjusted my belt.  My pants slipped down towards my hips.  Now that's not that impressive, one of the great things about our new Navy Working Uniforms (NWUs) is that they have adjustable elastic waistbands... these things fit like pajamas, I love them!  However, the change was in my belt.  Normally, I had to buckle it with the tip of the belt butting right up against the buckle.  Friday, I had to sinch it down and there was a good 1 1/2 to 2 inches of belt past the buckle... that is a good change.

I enjoyed Stacy's work out this morning, it was fun, there were new work outs that I hadn't done over and over before, and from what she has said I think it will keep being interesting.  There are 7 of us out there this morning... I was the only guy.  For some reason, maybe its just the way I was raised, I didn't feel out of place.

I'll keep you informed on the rest of the program :)

Day 2 - 31 Day Boot Camp

     In hopes of seriously kicking my own ass for the next month before our command's official PFA (Physical Fitness Assessment) I am working out like crazy.  Today was day 2 of my 31 Day Boot Camp program.  Not a bad work out, only about 30-40 minutes, but it was all concentrated on my arms.

    Started with Dumb Bell Press and moved on to: Split Squat Push Press, Front Dumb Bell Raises, One Arm Dumb Bell Rows, Standing Dumb Bell Curls, Seated Tricep Press and Pile Dumb Bell Squats.  All of it concentrated on my arms, so they feel like absolute jelly.

     I have another three workouts this week in this program, and then along with the regular Physical Training I have to do with the command, 3 days per week, plus one more on Tuesday afternoons, next week I will be starting a 10-day fat burning class that an acquaintance is doing.  Last week I worked out for approximately 12 hours.  This week it will be about the same and next week, well it will increase a little.

     Hopefully, this will have some effect.  We shall see. 

Saturday morning musings

     So, I didn't start this to whine about my weight, or the prospects of being forced out of the military before retirement.  I started it as a place where I can put down my thoughts on the direction that my life is heading.  I've always been the type of person who internalizes everything.  I am constantly thinking and mulling over situations, until I find the answers that I am happy with.  Perhaps writing down those musings will help me avoid making the same mistakes that I have in the past.  Only time will tell.

     Its Saturday morning, one of the first in a very long time where I haven't been up and doing something to keep my mind off of everything.  I forgot what the solitude of being alone is like.  Part of me missed it, part of me didn't.  Its like anything in life, we are creatures conflicted over what we want.  When we get what we want, we want something else.  Maybe it wasn't always like this, but as they say it is what it is.  I do have stuff to do this weekend.  At noon I have friends coming over and we will be playing the roleplaying game, Exalted.  I am currently browning meat for the chili that I will be putting in the crock pot soon.

     Tomorrow, Sunday... no real plans yet.  I have some ideas, but we'll see.  There are things that I want to do, things that... well, let me preface this first with I am not saying that I regret the sacrifices I made for some people.  I feel that in a relationship, there are sacrifices made on all sides.  Now, though, being alone, on my own, I am faced with the daunting prospect of keeping myself from falling back into some of my old habits, like isolationism.  I used to love to write, I still do, but I took that time and I gave it to other people.  Now that I have it back, the creative side in me, wants to break loose.

     I have been reading up on self-epublishing.  Very interesting market.  Back in the day, it used to be that you could spend $500-1500 to get a publisher to knock out a couple hundred copies of your book.  You, of course, had to do all the marketing and selling.  It never really worked.  Only in a few rare, extreme cases did anyone really benefit from it.  With epublishing its opened new doors.  Sony E-readers, Nooks and Kindles, cellphones and iPads are opening up a new way for people to experience literature.

    I've always wanted to be published, I just don't know if I really feel like dealing with the rejection that comes with it.  Most authors are rejected by the majority of publishers, before one of them picks them up.  Stephen King had thrown Carrie in the trash because it had been rejected so many times.  Luckily, his wife was smart enough to pull it out for him.  Self-publishing however could be the middle ground that I am looking for.  I would easily be able to get people to edit, critique and assist me with revisions.  Once it is done, the file is submitted to Amazon, who transfers it into their Kindle format and then its placed in the marketplace for sale.  The author dictates how much to charge for it.  Their fee for doing this, around .15 cents on the dollar.  So you don't pay anything up front, like it used to be.  They simply take a small portion of the sales when someone purchases the book.

     So, that is where I am this morning.  One of the many things that I am considering.

Crunch Time - Day One

So, here it is: Crunch Time. I have almost literally 30 days to get in better shape, or its another PFA (Physical Fitness Assessment) failure on my record.  One wasn't terrible, two is toeing to close to the line and three, well as they say in baseball... three strikes, you're out.

How to explain this to anyone who isn't in the Navy or even the military.  It does not matter how good I am at my job.  It doesn't matter if I am one of the best sailors in my command or even the Navy for that matter, if my body does not match their ideal, they will kick me out.  The worst part is the method that is used for testing us; it isn't even scientific.  Here's what they do:

During our PFA cycle we have to do weigh-ins. If you are over your weigh limit, you get taped, or as we call it: Roped & Choked.  The method is simple in fact, just like many of the pseudo-science aspects of the Navy.  The person conducting the measurement uses a specially designed measuring tape to measure the person's neck circumference and then their abdomen circumference.  The numbers are subtracted from each other, neck from waist, and then compared against their height.  This "number" then tells what percentage of fat the person's body holds.  If you've done any cursory research into body fat, you'll know that the only accurate scientific method for measuring body fat is water immersion.

There is, however, no way to change this.  The Navy won't change their minds on how they do things, because it means they have an easy way to discharge people.  Fail three PFAs and you are out in as little as 1 year.  So, utilizing this method, is extremely cost effective for them.

That's where I am now.  I have one failure on my record. I have four years left to retire.  Which means I have 9 PFAs left to go.  It used to be that if you made it to 18 years, you were safe.  Not so any more.  Now, with new changes to the instruction, if you get three failures, it doesn't matter how long you've been in, you're out.  Which could be the difference between getting some chump change severance pay in a lump sum to a retirement check for the rest of your life.

Hence the title; its Crunch Time.  I have got to do everything and anything to pass the PFA this cycle.  I've been working at it, working hard.  I started off cutting down what I was eating and increasing my work outs to 5 days a week. That didn't work.  The next month, I further decreased what I was eating and increased my work outs to 6-7 days a week; still nothing.

So, I'm trying out a couple of different things.  Rearranging my eating habits again. I have new blood pressure medication. I'm trying out a 31 day fitness boot camp work out routine, along with my other regular works out, and I'm going to try B12.  Supposedly, it helps, but there isn't any research to back up many of the claims I have heard, but if there are people saying it has helped them, its worth a shot.

I'll keep you posted.  Cross your fingers for me.